Judgment:  An opinion, conclusion, or decision based on thoughts, feelings and evidence. 

When was the last time you made a judgment about someone?  Was it 30 minutes ago? Two hours ago? Yesterday? Longer?

Who was the judgment about?  A stranger? A friend? Your colleague? Spouse? Child?  What was it about? Was it good? Bad? Harmless?

There are more times than I can count that I have judged someone else.  I’d like to think that at least some of my opinions or conclusions of others were founded. I’d also like to believe that some of them were good or harmless.  However, it is those bad judgments that cause problems.

As I started my journey into coaching and working on my personal growth, I discovered how my judgment may be limiting my interactions with others and affecting who I am and who I want to become.  So…I am working hard to let my judgment of others go.

In that process, here’s what I’ve discovered:  We all judge.   

We see a woman walking down the street dragging her child and we think, “What kind of a mom is that?”  

We see a child having a temper tantrum in the grocery store and the frantic mother on the verge of tears but doing NOTHING to quiet her child.  

We hear of someone being summarily and quickly let go from a long-held position and automatically assume something salacious and untoward.

We make our own conclusions based on what we see without knowing other facts or the truth.   We also base them on our own experiences and beliefs. The truth, though, is that we just don’t know what someone is going through.

What if the mother on the street just found out her father passed away and is rushing to get home?  What if the grocery store child has behavioral concerns and the poor mother cannot console the child no matter what she does? What if the long-time employee was simply no longer performing his job skills in a satisfactory manner despite warnings?

Do we stop to help any one of them?  Do we ask, “Are you ok? Do you need help?”  We may give a sympathetic smile but, more often than not, we glare, letting them know exactly what we think of them.  They see it. They know it. And worse, it just adds to the anger, frustration, and sadness that they are already feeling.  

It wasn’t until I started going through my own difficult season and felt the judgment of others that I realized just how guilty I was of forming opinions about people, both those that I know and those that I don’t, without knowing their story.

In my case, I had the perfect storm, where it felt like everything that could go wrong, did.  Chronically sick children, huge and unexpected home repair needs, issues with a colleague at work and several other things that if they happened one at a time, I likely would have been able to handle. But several at once or on top of each other?  No way.  

Instead, I became unhappy. I became withdrawn and depressed. I yelled a lot at my kids and husband.  And I cried. A lot.

I felt alone.  And, worse, I felt judged.  By my family. By my friends.  By doctors. By people I didn’t know.

The comments made may have come from a good place:  “She really can’t go to school today?” “What’s wrong with her now?”  “Why don’t you quit your job?” “Do you really need to go to the doctor? 

Instead of helping, it made me feel even crappier.  

I get it.  They have never been in my shoes.  They don’t understand what I have been through.  I know that.

But you know what else I know?  I know that on very limited occasions did anyone ever say, “Hey, do you need help?”  “What can I do for you?” “I’m here if you ever want to talk.” “How are you doing?” Or even “Hey, it would be great to grab a drink and just hang out.”  

And the majority that asked the questions, didn’t really want an answer.  Not the truth anyway.

Again, I get it.  Each one of us is so busy with our own lives that we don’t really have time to ask and care about others.

Letting go of the judgment (or at least trying to!) has helped me to see things more clearly.

We tend to think we know everything about the people in our circles but we don’t.  Even the people who appear to be open and seem to talk about everything – we don’t know what is going on behind closed doors.

Let me tell you this:  letting go of judgment is HARD and it is SLOW.

It doesn’t happen easily.  It doesn’t happen overnight. And it will not happen without effort and work.

It will require you to keep an open-mind when it comes to everything. 

It will require awareness of the thoughts that you are having.  Maybe you will need to keep a judgment journal, taking down each time a judgmental thought (good or bad) comes into your head.  Maybe you just need to keep your eyes open.  

I’m still working on letting go of judgment. I know it will  be a long road. But already, I am seeing a difference in how I show up, in how I respond to people.

So next time you find yourself forming an opinion about someone, especially without all of the facts, stop.  Instead, ask yourself what benefit you gain from making such a judgment. And maybe, just, maybe, if appropriate, ask how you can help.